Soie.
Musings of a twenty something year old.
Grief knocked today and I welcomed her, but I didn't drown. I'm choosing to honor you by living—to have stories to tell when we meet again. Because loving you means learning to live again.
More Stories
PART 2: When You Said Your Last Goodbye
You wore a white shirt with navy stripes. The plan was one month, then home to me. I didn't hug longer because I thought we had time.
PART 1: Front Row Seat at the Funeral
He was my brother, my best friend, my only safety net. From sneaking him candy through school fences to watching him build stone weights for his army dreams—I never knew our last family Christmas would be his prophecy.
Carrying forward the gifts someone gave you while still letting them go.
I wrote a poem and said: I am erasing your fingerprints from my body, Scrubbing away the memory of your touch So that my skin doesn't ache for you anymore. Yet I still catch myself wondering—do you ever think of me?
Carrying it Without Showing
I just stepped out of the doctor's office, tears balancing in my eyes. I reach the elevator where people are standing, and I cannot let them see me cry. So deep breaths, and carry it well without showing. This has been the theme of my life lately.
What About the Plans We Made?
I'll be in denial for a little while longer—what about the plans we made?
PART 3: Finding Home Within: The Journey Back to Myself
I told my therapist about you. 'What was the most inconsistent relationship you had with a parental figure?' she asked. Oops. Here I was thinking it's love and butterflies, not realising I was dancing with ghosts from my past.
PART 2: When Winter Came: Chasing Warmth in All the Wrong Places
And winter came. I soon realized I was craving more than you could give me. This situation tingled an itch I've carried for so long—the want to be loved, heard, seen. But my brain was used to searching for it in places I couldn't get it.
PART 1: Chronicles of Loving Someone Who Was Never Mine
Suriel Hess was onto something when he said, "Over and over again the lesson I have to learn is it's not love but it's still something, it's enough to keep me from running from you."